Thank you for being the best I've ever had. For being patient and sweet and good in bed. For being honest all the time and fixing things for me and eating what I cooked even when it sucked. For being someone I could leave someone else for. For loving me even when we were fighting, for being so lovable I could never stay mad. For being the first person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. For showing me what I really want and really don't want in a date, in a boyfriend, in someone I'd marry.
At this point, in our situation, everything we were is so much more important than everything we could have been. I love you; I loved you. It's okay to say goodbye. Things happen. "It is what it is." I know; it's so hard and I hate it but I understand. I still have this naive faith that everything is as it should be, and that things will work out one way or the other so that we'll both be happy. Like I said, naive, but hey. I'm grateful for whatever helps me get through the day, because I have a heartache that feels like it stretches for miles and inside I'm hoping you don't fall in love again too quickly. But you deserve the best, whether or not I have a place in your future, whether or not "the best" ends up being me.
Writing this, I guess, is more for me than it is for you because to be honest I don't think you'll read this. If you do, though, you'll know that I was thinking of you up to the last minute I was allowed to. And that I cried all night wanting you here, and that I'll love you for a while yet, until it finally burns out.
So, I guess I'm leaving now. As trite as this sounds, please take care of yourself and be happy. Bee. Thank you. All the best to you, honey. I love you.
For the rest of you, see you in two months. Goodbye, Los Angeles. Hello, Chicago.
What a shit-tastic day so far. Had a conversation with recent ex-boyfriend extraordinaire, which basically gave off the impression that he doesn't give a shit about me. Woke up sore in muscles that usually get sore during sex - not vag muscles though, more like ab muscles and thigh muscles - even though I haven't had sex in months and my last workout was Thursday night. Found out that broken engagements are far more common than I initially thought. May have lost a contact in my own eyeball (wtf).
Just let me curl up and wallow in my shit-tastic day.
Worst year ever.
He called. It made me happy but hurt quite badly at the same time. We somehow can't deny that we were really close before all this bad business occurred and that it seems we still are to a certain extent, so when we spoke it was very strained at first before shifting to inside jokes. Laundry and Martha Stewart were the turning points in the conversation this time. That's how it usually was when we fought as a couple, and the dynamic hasn't changed. It's very comfortable in some ways, very painful in others, and I don't know what to do or feel. I honestly never thought I'd have to choose between love or career, but for now, I have to choose the latter. If this particular love is really supposed to work out, it will, even if we have to wait for it. If it isn't supposed to work out, then we will still have to live our lives.
Even though all of this breaks my heart in so many ways and on so many levels, I really love and care about him, and will probably continue to for a long time. And no matter what, I believe in fate; not the kind of fate that means you don't have to work for anything or suffer, of course, but rather the kind of fate that means that no matter how much it hurts, or how difficult things are, things will work out the way that they are supposed to as long as you keep working (at life, on career, in education, etc.) as well. It sounds lame and honestly is, a little, but it keeps me going.
I'm obviously not happy about the situation, but letting myself completely fall apart on Monday was enough catharsis to push me forward. I have to not only pull myself together now, but also try to be happy. It's not easy, but it's necessary, and I do think for the most part (aside from where he is concerned) I am content. Dare I quote LL Cool J and say, "Don't call it a comeback?" haha. I'm okay enough to make jokes. Things are looking up already.
- Music:Motion City Soundtrack - Don't Call It A Comeback
I realize this is all things that no one aside from me will care about. But like I've said many times, writing it all down is far cheaper than therapy, and I like having a record of what I've been thinking or want to say. That is to say, it doesn't matter if no one aside from me reads this. Then again.. you know. I like having my crazy on display. Who the fuck knows if someone else wants to feel less crazy looking at it?
For courtesy's sake though, the rest is behind the cut.( Here goes.Collapse )
It's been an epic weekend already, starting Thursday. It's been the best weekend and worst weekend ever already, and it's only partway through Saturday. What the hell could the rest of the weekend bring?
A note: I have spent almost every waking moment of my newly, truly single life drunk.
Another note: it's really good being with amazing friends who will match you drink for drink and still listen, and love you regardless of the crazy.
Final note: The thing is, whenever I have a moment alone I just want to cry and sleep. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere. When people are around, I'm great and actually very happy. (<3 my girls, and the occasional male friend.)
Still, I am clearly not okay. Yet. But I will be.
I found out very recently that someone I was very enamored with for years has never felt and will never feel the same way about me, for numerous reasons that aren't under my control.
Honestly, that is kind of a relief. Now I know that our friendship will never be damaged by a relationship between us gone wrong. And I can consciously AND unconsciously stop all this sexual tension bullshit I feel / somewhat act on whenever he's near. This is good, because we might hang out a bit in the upcoming weeks / months, because we are friends and I will always enjoy his company.
Also recent, however, is the re-appearance of someone that was and is quite attracted to me, someone I have on and off felt the same way about as well. I MISSED him, he'll be around in two months. It just sounds like trouble, you know?
Add all this to the consistent pattern of bitter, rage-filled fighting and "I miss you" tears with the boy in my life and it's all just a recipe for disaster.
What is this "when one door closes another opens" bullshit! No more boys EVER.
vent vent vent.
"Aquarius - May 29, 2009
A relationship is complicated today if a friend or associate expresses feelings that catch you off guard. You would rather keep things cool and on a non-emotional basis because the energy is easier to manage. But now you cannot go back to the way things were unless you choose a path of denial -- and avoiding the issue will only make it more difficult. You can downplay the drama, but acknowledging others will go a long way to reduce the complexity."
... denial will be the name of the game here. Yes.
These things are sometimes eerily accurate and it very often creeps me out.
"100 Things To Try In LA Before You Die"
I've done some of these things, which makes me happy! But I definitely want to do more. Anyone game? :)
, "Mulholland Drive from 405 to 101," will always, always remind me of high school, Caro, Alan and me, sometimes A. in tow, driving up and down those scary winding mountain roads at night, hitting Will Roger's Beach at the end. We would try to freak each other out with ghost stories which may or may not have been popular urban legends.
We would always park in the deserted Ralph's parking lot. Caro and I would inevitably end up in the ocean (why did we never bring change clothes?); soaking wet with sea water, we ran around screaming and laughing uproariously.
Once on one of these adventures, Caro and Alan accidentally stole someone's swan shaped dinner leftovers package from Gladstone's, which are usually wrapped in foil twisted into animal shapes.
Once, on the drive back, A. carefully held me like a human seat belt, and that was the moment I knew I'd fallen in love with him.
Damn you, nostalgia.
stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop.
please drop me off at the corner, I need to get out.
can't remember this last time I felt this completely, utterly batshit insane. or the last time I felt this resentful, hateful, frustrated, or angry. or the last time I felt so alone in a relationship.
... fuck my life.